Hi. It’s been a while since I’ve done this. Have you ever just forgotten to do something? I have. This one time I forgot I had a brother. I just thought this guy was being really nice to me. He kept showing up to important events, and got along really well with my parents. It kind of creeped me out, but not enough to stop asking him for rides to the airport. Sixty-percent of being a brother is dropping off, or picking up people from the airport. Plus, I’m a really good tipper so I don’t even think he cared that I forgot who he was.
“The Dark Knight Rises” is a pretty fun movie. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a city that’s stuck in a permanent Halloween. I thought that was pretty cool because I love Halloween. I once pretended it was Halloween for six months. People are really nice to you if you wear a costume every day. The only time they get mad is when you pretend to be from the power company then live in their pool house for a while. Otherwise, it’s cool.
“The Dark Knight Rises” stars Christian Bale (from the TV movie “Treasure Island”), Ann Hathaway (from Mr. Skin.com), and other actors. Bale and Hathaway meet at a party then spend the rest of the movie either being friends, or enemies with other people. That’s the whole movie. It’s pretty much “Mean Girls” except the girls are guys in masks, and one or two more bridges get blown up.
I really liked The Dark Knight Rises. It was probably the best movie about the end of the newest version of the Batman trilogy that I’ve ever seen. Here are three things I really liked about this movie:
1. There was never anybody showering. I like that. People nowadays are obsessed with being clean. What happened to the good old days when people only showered when they remembered to pay their water bill?
2. Bane was cool. He wore a mask. I’ve never understood why there aren’t more jobs where people wear masks. I feel like bus drivers should be required to wear clown masks while they drive. This way when one of them tells you that your life is a joke you can say “Look who’s talking, bro.”
3. Nobody told me what I should or should not eat during this movie. I have this weird doctor who always tries to tell me what to do. If I want to eat only cheese and root beer, let me do it. I think I know my body better than a dork who spent most of his life in a gay school.
Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie:
1. I couldn’t really keep track of who hated who. Usually, that’s easy to keep track of (by skin color), but this movie kind of blurred that line. Let’s get back to basics when people hated people based on what they look like on the outside.
2. I had the idea for “The Bat” long before Christian Bale was flying it in this movie. I wrote down “Flying thing that looks cool” in my phone like three years ago. Way to steal my idea, assholes.
3. I thought that Batman could have done a better job of using his status to get free things. I’m not a guy who likes to take advantage of the system, but he totally could have gotten a free sandwich at Subway or something. I want to know that being a superhero has its perks, and I just didn’t feel that in this movie. I once saw a movie called “Buttman” about a superhero who saved people, except in this movie all the people he saved sucked his dick. That’s a cool perk! Show me more of that, Dark Knight!
Overall, I give The Dark Knight Rises four out of four lobster bibs. I like to rate things in lobster bibs because the more I talk them up, the less people will think I’m weird for having one stuck around my neck the last three months.