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The Dark Knight Rises: A Review

Hi.  It’s been a while since I’ve done this.  Have you ever just forgotten to do something?   I have.  This one time I forgot I had a brother.  I just thought this guy was being really nice to me.  He kept showing up to important events, and got along really well with my parents.  It kind of creeped me out, but not enough to stop asking him for rides to the airport.  Sixty-percent of being a brother is dropping off, or picking up people from the airport.  Plus, I’m a really good tipper so I don’t even think he cared that I forgot who he was. 

 “The Dark Knight Rises” is a pretty fun movie.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a city that’s stuck in a permanent Halloween.  I thought that was pretty cool because I love Halloween.  I once pretended it was Halloween for six months.  People are really nice to you if you wear a costume every day.  The only time they get mad is when you pretend to be from the power company then live in their pool house for a while.  Otherwise, it’s cool.

“The Dark Knight Rises” stars Christian Bale (from the TV movie “Treasure Island”), Ann Hathaway (from Mr., and other actors.  Bale and Hathaway meet at a party then spend the rest of the movie either being friends, or enemies with other people.  That’s the whole movie.  It’s pretty much “Mean Girls” except the girls are guys in masks, and one or two more bridges get blown up.

I really liked The Dark Knight Rises.  It was probably the best movie about the end of the newest version of the Batman trilogy that I’ve ever seen.  Here are three things I really liked about this movie:

1. There was never anybody showering.  I like that.  People nowadays are obsessed with being clean.  What happened to the good old days when people only showered when they remembered to pay their water bill?

2.  Bane was cool.  He wore a mask.  I’ve never understood why there aren’t more jobs where people wear masks.  I feel like bus drivers should be required to wear clown masks while they drive.  This way when one of them tells you that your life is a joke you can say “Look who’s talking, bro.”   

3.  Nobody told me what I should or should not eat during this movie.  I have this weird doctor who always tries to tell me what to do.  If I want to eat only cheese and root beer, let me do it.  I think I know my body better than a dork who spent most of his life in a gay school.

Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie: 

1. I couldn’t really keep track of who hated who.  Usually, that’s easy to keep track of (by skin color), but this movie kind of blurred that line.  Let’s get back to basics when people hated people based on what they look like on the outside. 

2. I had the idea for “The Bat” long before Christian Bale was flying it in this movie.  I wrote down “Flying thing that looks cool” in my phone like three years ago.  Way to steal my idea, assholes.  

3. I thought that Batman could have done a better job of using his status to get free things.  I’m not a guy who likes to take advantage of the system, but he totally could have gotten a free sandwich at Subway or something.  I want to know that being a superhero has its perks, and I just didn’t feel that in this movie.  I once saw a movie called “Buttman” about a superhero who saved people, except in this movie all the people he saved sucked his dick.  That’s a cool perk!  Show me more of that, Dark Knight! 

Overall, I give The Dark Knight Rises four out of four lobster bibs.  I like to rate things in lobster bibs because the more I talk them up, the less people will think I’m weird for having one stuck around my neck the last three months.    

Rise of The Planet of the Apes: A Review

Hello.  I saw “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” yesterday (today Hong Kong time).  A lot of people go to the movies for an escape from reality.  Other people just go to use the shitter.  Paying eleven dollars to take a shit may seem expensive, but once you’re inside, you can stay there as long as you want (for example, six hours).  It’s actually a pretty good deal.  Plus, buying a ticket for something gives you the right to do whatever you want once you’re inside.  I once bought a ticket to the carnival and stayed for three days.  True story.  A lot of people will tell you that I actually got stuck on the Ferris wheel for three days, but sometimes getting stuck is a personal choice that’s no one else’s business but your own. 

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” stars James Franco (The Academy Awards) as a scientist who develops a medicine to cure his dad’s Alzheimer’s.  But, he gives the medicine to an ape instead, who then gets all smart and shit.  Eventually the ape gets so smart that he starts wearing pants.  Big mistake, Franco.  On Earth, statistically speaking, the first creature to wear pants, wins.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m a guy who likes to have fun. I’ve put pants on everything from dogs to other pairs of pants, but I never let them keep them.  Way too risky!  Franco should have known better.

Eventually Franco’s ape grows tired of being treated like an ape, so him and his ape friends go on a road trip to the woods.  They kill a few people on the way, which as a human, should have made me mad.  But it’s hard to feel bad about someone who’s been killed by an ape. At least they died in an interesting way.  Most people who die are boring.  If I’m gonna go, I want to go in a way that disturbs at least four out of the five senses.  Here is a list of cool causes of death:

  • Death by ape.
  • Suffocation while trying to break the world record for wearing the most T-shirts at one time.
  • Death by helicopter blade.
  • AIDS from a botched blood transfusion.
  • Getting your foot stuck in a Port-O-Potty while at an outdoor concert, eventually being found dead inside days later by some construction worker looking for a place to jack it on his lunch break.

I really liked “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.  It was probably the best movie about the beginning of an ape civilization that takes over our planet that I’ve ever seen.   Here are three things I really liked about the movie:

  1. Hats: One of the things I really liked about this movie was that if you brought a tiny top hat into the theater, you could hold it up to the screen and pretend that the apes were wearing hats.  This came in handy during scary parts, or if you thought the apes were acting particularly silly. 
  2. Origin Story: I like that we finally got an answer to how the apes took over Earth.  I always thought it happened when apes and humans decided to switch places for the day, and when the day was up, the apes just refused to switch back.  Part of me wishes that was how it happened, but I guess this way was cool too. 
  3. Names: I liked that all the apes had human names.  If I had a pet ape, I’d name him Warren.  Mostly because that’s my neighbor’s name and he once said that I’d never “make a monkey out of him.”  Guess what, Warren?  I just did.

Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie: 

  1. Propaganda: This movie was clearly propaganda for the home school lobbyists.  The ape that started the uprising was homeschooled by James Franco, and he had him reading at a level far more advanced than all the other apes.  I may just be a public school jerk, but I know when I’m being brainwashed.  Nice try.   
  2. Guy or Girl?:  I had a hard time telling the girl apes from the guy apes.  This was sexually confusing for me and I don’t need any more of that in my life right now.
  3. No bananas:  Next to the phonetic aspects of the kumquat, the banana is the funniest fruit.  They’re also a major part of an ape’s life.  I once heard that eighty-percent of an ape’s life is either searching for, eating, or exchanging bananas.  With that many bananas around they’ve got to be slipping on banana peels all the time.  And not one ape slipped on a banana peel in this movie!  I bet one of the movie producers had the director cut out all those slipping scenes ‘cause his dumb mom once slipped on a banana peel and bruised her elbow or some shit.  Movie producers are kinda pansies when it comes to their goofy moms.  

That’s it.  Overall, I give “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” five out of five monkeys smoking cigarettes.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the guy wearing the “Your Car’s My Cab” T-shirt.

P.S. That’s my way of asking you for a ride home.

X-Men: First Class: A Review

X-Men: First Class: A Review

Hey.  I just saw “X-Men: First Class.”  I’m glad I did.  I really needed to get out of the house.  I’ve kinda been sleeping a lot (all day every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday).  It’s weird that when you sleep too much, or when don’t sleep at all, you still get the same hallucination (a doctor telling you that you need to adjust your sleeping habits).  That’s gotta mean something.    

“X-Men: First Class” is a prequel to the other X-Men movies.  For those of you who don’t know, X-Men are mutant humans.  But not mutant in the traditional sense of the word (Daryl Hannah), X-Men are the cool mutants.  For example, in this movie there’s one mutant who has the ability to stand next to Oliver Platt without having to have sex with him.  That’s something us normal humans just can’t do.  So cool!

“X-Men: First Class” follows Professor X (James McAvoy from Scotland) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender from Germany) at the beginning of their friendship.  I like seeing where friendships start because it never seems to be where I think they would (side-by-side urinals, red-lights, at Sam Goody).  In “X-Men: First Class” we follow McAvoy and Fassbender as they put together the first X-Men team.  It starts out great, but eventually their friendship crumbles.  You might think it was a woman who got between them.  But you’d be wrong.  It was Kevin Bacon.  Bacon comes in and tells all the mutants that regular humans are bad and should be blown up.  Fassbender agrees with Bacon, McAvoy doesn’t, then McAvoy gets paralyzed.  That’s pretty much the whole movie.  

You know I thought I was a mutant once?  Yeah, it was crazy.  I woke up one morning and I had had this wart on my finger.  It might have actually been there for a while.  I’m not really as aware of my own body as I should be.  It’s hard to be aware of your own body though because you can pretty much only see half of it (the front half by your eyes).  I’m not even sure I have a butt.  I’ve never seen it with my own eyes, so how would I know?  I’ve always had to take other people’s word for it.  Maybe they’re just telling me that I have a butt to make me feel like a dirty person.  Sometimes making people feel dirty is a good way to boost your own self-esteem.  I guess I can’t blame them for that.

John F. Kennedy is in this movie.  I thought that part was kinda mean.  I don’t think you should be able to put dead people in movies unless you can travel back in time to warn them that they’re gonna get shot.  I guess these Hollywood studios will exploit anyone for a dollar.  

Hey, at what age do you no longer have the potential to become a mutant?  Do you only find out you’re gonna be one as a kid, or do the powers sometimes come on when you’re an adult?  Like, you know how there’s no real age limit for Alzheimer’s, is there an age limit for the onset of cool mutations?  I hope not, because I’d really like to have a special power one day.  I think a fun mutation would be the ability to make origami cranes really quickly.  That would be cool.  No one would be scared of you, but life isn’t always about fear.  There’s a big chunk of life that’s pretty much all about arts and crafts.

I really liked “X-Men: First Class”.  I thought it was the best movie about the first class of X-Men that I’ve ever seen.   Here are three things I liked about this movie:

1. Cuba.  I think it’s nice that Castro let the X-Men use Cuba for this movie.  Maybe he’s not such a grouch after all, huh?

2. Reading Minds.  McAvoy does a shitload of it in this movie.  If I ran into him in real life, I’d ask him to read my mind.  Then he would and he’d see that I’m thinking about him reading my mind, except he’s not wearing any pants.  I bet that’d stop him in his tracks.   

3. Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt.  I love him.  When I’m by myself I like to call him “The Plattypus.”  Mostly because platypuses lay eggs, and Oliver Platt looks like a guy who’d lay an egg and people would be kinda pumped that he did.

Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie:

1. No nudity.  I feel like I complain about this a lot, but this movie is about mutant humans.  Are you telling me there aren’t any mutants out there that are worth seeing naked?  How about a mutant with a big ol’ hog who shoots lasers out of his pee-hole?  What about a lady mutant with a big ol’ vagina who shoots lasers out of her pee-hole?  There’s gotta be mutants like that out there.  Do the work and find them for me!

2. January Jones. *Please see above complaint

3. The Past.  This movie takes place in the past.  That’s cool and all, but I’m about living in the moment, and I can’t do that when movies like this harp on the past.  I get it, things have happened before.  Let it go.

That’s it.  Overall, I give this movie four out of four mutant farts.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the guy shaving in the bathroom (I got kicked out of my apartment). 

The Lincoln Lawyer: A Review

Wow.  It’s been a while since I’ve been here (I’m currently at Bally’s Total Fitness).  I like going to gyms.  Not because I like working out, but because I like going places where people think they’re accomplishing something.  Lifting weights is dumb.  If I’m lifting something, it better stay above my head.  And if I’m riding a bike, I certainly don’t wanna end up in the same place I started.  My favorite place to ride my bike is to my neighbor’s apartment.  Then I can ask him if he can hold onto it for a while because I don’t really have the space in my apartment for a bike.  He’ll usually end up saying something like “I’m not keeping your bike in my apartment, you asshole!”  Typically, I’ll leave before he’s done because I don’t need people yelling at me while all that stuff is going on in Libya and junk.

Hey!  I saw “The Lincoln Lawyer.”  It’s about a lawyer who works out of a Lincoln Town Car.  I had to get a lawyer once for this incident with my neighbor involving his personal space, and I’ll tell you what, I’d never hire a lawyer who works out of his car.  I’d maybe hire him if he worked out of a truck or a van, that’s a little more reasonable.  I’d definitely hire him if he worked out of an RV.  I like RV’s.  Plus, when our case was over, I’d pitch him the idea of running a hotdog business out of his RV, and he couldn’t say no.  Have you ever seen an RV selling hotdogs with a “Going Out of Business” sign on the front?  Didn’t think so.  Fail.  Proof.   

“The Lincoln Lawyer” stars Matthew McConaughey (that guy from the beach) as the Lincoln lawyer and Ryan Phillippe (“Igby Goes Down”) as his handsome client.  You know what?  Both those guys are pretty handsome.  I’m not gay, I just think anytime a man thinks another man is handsome he should do two things:  1) Don’t tell his wife or girlfriend, and 2) Quickly run home and write down that man’s name in his “Men I Think Are Handsome” scrapbook.  Sometimes handsome men won’t even be celebrities.  In that case, just write down “Blond, wavy-haired guy at Dim sum place.”  That works just fine too.  

So, Ryan Phillippe gets in trouble for beating up a prostitute (yuck!) and he hires Matthew McConaughy to prove he’s innocent.  The thing is, he might not be innocent.  When McConaughy catches wind of this he uses his brain to make sure everybody gets his or her comeuppance.

I really liked “The Lincoln Lawyer.”  It’s probably the best movie about a lawyer who works out of his Lincoln Town Car that I’ve ever seen.

Here are three things I liked about this movie:  

  1. Marissa Tomei.  She’s in this movie and I’ll follow her anywhere.  Except into traffic, or an unsupervised pool.  I guess the only place I’d follow her into is like a mall, or a bedroom (provided it’s our third date, and it went well, and signs were leading towards sex).
  2. “Objection!”  They say it in this movie a lot and I like that.  Movies about lawyers usually should have 75-100 objections.  I don’t think they hit that mark, but maybe it was because Matthew McConaughy had an airtight case and objections wouldn’t have worked anyway.  
  3. Matthew McConaughy wasn’t racist.  I really respect him for that.  Sometimes I’m so scared of saying something racist that I don’t ever leave my house.  Mostly because my neighbor is Swedish, and I’ve seen the way he looks at my fish.  No way I’m gonna turn my back on him.

Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie:

  1. No songs by Nirvana.  I’ve been really into them lately.  
  2. It took place in Los Angeles.  Why couldn’t it have been somewhere I’ve never been?  Watching movies are the best way to travel.  For example, I’ve never been to Seattle, but thanks to Hollywood, I have.  And I now know that nobody sleeps there.  No thanks, Seattle.  I like sleeping.  Hell, I like napping too.  I’m not paying money to go to a city that does neither. 
  3. No Paul Newman.  I love “The Verdict.”  They could have spliced shots of the “The Verdict” in there.  I doubt they even tried to do that.   

That’s it.  Overall, I give this movie five out of five gavels & robes.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the guy leaving early because I forgot I had somewhere to be. 

The King’s Speech: A Review

I usually don’t like seeing movies based on true stories.  They always end the same way.  The kid dies after he gets stung by a bee in the woods while looking for his girlfriend’s mood ring.  That happened in “My Girl”.  I don’t think that movie was based on a true story, but I still haven’t really gotten over it.  I just wish he waited until winter to find that mood ring.  Bees vacation at Margaritaville in the winter and don’t sting people.

“The King’s Speech” is about a nervous guy (Colin Firth from the “Hallmark Hall of Fame” series) who’s gonna be king or something.  He gets all worried about this, so he finds Geoffrey Rush and pays him to hang out.  A lot of people don’t like when people pay for friends, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.  I once paid a dog to hang out with me for ten years.  It was actually a pretty good deal.  Then he got old and died.  Now I just miss him a lot.  

Helena Bonham Carter play’s Colin Firth’s wife in this movie.  I thought that she was a really good wife for sticking by her husband despite his stutter.  I know couldn’t do that.  I once dumped a girl for hesitating when I asked her who was stronger, me or Luke Skywalker’s fake hand.  If you asked her, she’d say she dumped me because I was always accusing her of thinking about Luke Skywalker’s fake hand.  I dunno, maybe that was true.  

“The King’s Speech” ends with Colin Firth going from a prince to a king, and from a stutterer to a stutterer.  Oh, also, there’s one scene in there where we see Hitler so if you’re sensitive to that kinda stuff (Holocaust, good fashion, etc) I wouldn’t recommend this movie.  

I really liked “The King’s Speech”.  It was probably the best movie about a stammering King of England that I’ve ever seen.  Though, here are three things I’d change about this movie:

1) Add more scenes.  I thought it’d be funny if they added a scene where Colin Firth has to go to the video store to rent his favorite porno.  When he gets there he sees that it’s not on the shelf, so he has to ask the guy at the front desk if there are any copies in the back.  He’d stutter a lot while asking him and it’d be funny because it involves sex things.
2) Make Geoffrey Rush more handsome.   I’ve seen other movies and I know we have the technology to make people better looking (“Face Off”, “Nutty Professor”).  They could have done that for Geoffrey Rush.  I hate watching people get old (Rene Russo being the one exception).  
3) Lose the whole stuttering storyline.  I know this contradicts my first change, but I’ve had time to think about it and I’d now like them to cut out all the scenes where he stutters.  There isn’t anything wrong with a story about a king and his friends hanging out in England.  That’d be pretty fun.  Maybe we throw Turtle from Entourage in there too.  They can all smoke pot together and make fun of France.  

    That’s it.  Overall, I give this movie four out of four Winston Churchill cigars.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the guy asking to borrow your straw.      

    True Grit: A Review

    Hi.  Let’s talk about “True Grit” for a second.  Wait.  Before we get into that, who’s your favorite marksman?  And don’t say Freddy Lee Roundtree!

    I saw “True Grit” on a night I felt fat.  It’s probably because I ate two dinners.  Sometimes I call lunch dinner.  I don’t like the word “lunch.”  I’ve always thought lunch’s definition shouldn’t be “a midday meal”, it should be “leg punch”.  “Isn’t a leg punch just called a kick?”  Shut up.  I’ll be the one who makes up words around here, asshole.      

    “True Grit” stars Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and a girl in a hat.  The girl in a hat goes to Jeff Bridges because her dad got shot by Josh Brolin.  The first thing I’d do if Josh Brolin tried shooting me would probably be to duck or spin or something.  I don’t care if he’s Josh Brolin, I don’t want him shooting me.  If I had to get shot by any actor, I’d probably want it to be DJ Qualls.  I bet he’d hardly be able to hold the gun, let alone shoot it.  Even if he does shoot me, he’d probably get knocked on his butt with the kickback.  That’d be funny to me, whether he shot me or not shot.

    So, Jeff Bridges decides to help the girl in a hat find Josh Brolin.  Matt Damon decides he’ll help too, and then they all leave together. 

    Westerns, huh?  Everyone’s either playing cards or riding a horse.  Given the opportunity, I’d trade places with a horse for a day.  I’d probably want to be a brown one with a big head and sharp teeth.  Claws would be fun too.  It would be nice if I could stand upright for when I wanted to catch salmon from a stream.  I guess I want to be a bear.

    Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and the girl in a hat eventually find Josh Brolin and after some ups and downs, they kill him.  Oh yeah, and there are rattlesnakes.

    I really liked “True Grit.”  I thought it was the best movie about grit that I’ve ever seen.  Here are three things I liked about this movie:

    1.  Galloping!  The horses in this movie gallop the shit out of galloping.  I wish I could gallop, but I can barely walk (my leg’s asleep).      
    2. No nudity.  I usually go into movies expecting to see nudity.  Sometimes I even bring my own.  I just didn’t feel like seeing Jeff Bridges dick that day, so I’m glad they cut that dick scene out.
    3. Dust.  This movie was so dusty!  As a fan of our earth, I have to love dust.  
    Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie: 
    1.  No speed boats.  I know back in the Old West there were no speed boats, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what they are.  Put ‘em in!
    2. Eye patch, but no reveal of the bad eye.  Part of the fun of an eye patch is flipping it up and flashing your mangled eyehole.  Jeff Bridges doesn’t do it once.  If I had an eye patch, I’d flip it up and show it to people while they were sleeping.  I’d want to show people, but I’d also probably be self-conscious about it.  Showing it to people while they sleep is a good compromise.
    3. Aliens.  I really thought I was going to the movies to see “Cowboys and Aliens” not “True Grit”.  I kept telling the guy sitting next to me that the aliens were probably “coming any minute now”.  The guy eventually said that if I didn’t shut up, he’d have me removed.  Then I said if he had me removed, I’d have him removed.  I’d just grab onto his shirt and not let go.  He’d have no choice but to come with me.  Either way, I win. 

    That’s it.  Overall, I give “True Grit” eight out of ten horseshoes.  See you at the movies.  I’ll be the guy who brings a practice soda.

    Black Swan: A Review

    Well, I did it.  I finally gave into the hype.  I finally tried Go-Gurt.  Gurt technology is amazing!  Who would have thought that putting your food in a tube would be such a hit?!  I’ll tell you who: toothpaste!  They did it first, Go-Gurt!  Quit stealing their shit!

    I saw “Black Swan” on a Tuesday.  I don’t think the day’s important, but I just wanted you to know what my mindset was (a Tuesday one).  “Black Swan” is about dancing, more specifically ballet.  When I was a kid, I thought that ballet should incorporate a scoreboard into their production.  This way there’s never a question about who’s winning.  

    “Black Swan” follows Natalie Portman (“Boleyn Girl” Franchise) as she prepares for a production of “Swan Lake”.  Swan Lake sounds like a stupid place.  First off, swans can’t own property, let alone own a whole lake.  The only guy I’ve ever known who has owned a lake is Michigan, and he’s not even a guy.  He’s a state.

    In “Black Swan,” Natalie Portman gets picked to be the lead in “Swan Lake”.  For those of you who don’t know, that’s equal to being like the fourth or fifth pick in dodgeball.  So, Natalie gets picked to dance the lead, and starts acting all weird on people.  When Mila Kunis (Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher) shows up, Natalie starts acting even weirder.  Her ballet director, Vincent Cassel (some movie where he shows his dick), notices Natalie’s odd behavior and thinks he can fix it by kissing her.  It doesn’t work.  I could have told him that.  Kissing doesn’t fix anything.  I once didn’t have money for a cab ride and told the driver I could pay for it in a fair amount of kisses (open mouth optional).  That only compounded my problem.  

    I don’t to want spoil the ending of the movie for anyone, so I won’t.  I actually can’t.  I left the theater before it was over.  It was a medical thing (teeth ache/bloody tongue).    I can only assume that the production of “Swan Lake” went smoothly for Natalie.  Afterwards she probably joined her castmates at Friendly’s for two or three Fribbles (minimum).  Anyway, that’s where the movie seemed to be headed.  

    I really liked “Black Swan.”  I thought it was probably the best movie about a girl picked to play both the black and white swan in a production of “Swan Lake” that I’ve ever seen.   My favorite part was the part when Mila Kunis ate Natalie Portman’s pussy.  It got me thinking about what it would be like to eat Natalie Portman’s pussy.  It would probably be pretty hard.  She’s Natalie Portman from “Black Swan”!  People would probably be hounding her for autographs the whole time.  I know I would.

    My least favorite part of the movie was probably the lack of strong male characters.  I was really expecting to see some muscular guys.  Though, I’m kinda glad there weren’t any strong guys in it.  It’s nice to watch a movie knowing you can beat up everybody on screen.  Two movies that come to mind are “Unaccompanied Minors” and that new movie “Gnomeo and Juliet.”  When you put your mind to it, you can pretty much beat up anything you want.  Except calculus.  You either get calculus, or calculus gets you.

    That’s it.  Overall I give “Black Swan” four out of four tutus.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the guy outside (sometimes they don’t let me in). 

    127 Hours: A Review

    I went to the movies for the first time in a while (not counting the time last week when I went to borrow a roll of toilet paper).  I actually had some time to kill, so I thought 127 Hours would be a good fit.  I had less than 127 hours to kill, but they still let me in the movie.  Nice guys.  Except for the guy with the beard.  I didn’t talk to him, but he looked like Paul.  Paul is the guy with the beard from that same movie theater who told me I couldn’t bring my own goat into the movie.  Movie theater goats are just so expensive!

    127 Hours is about a guy, played by James Franco (Officer #2 from The X-Files) and his rock.  Don’t be fooled, his rock is not a pet rock.  It’s just a big rock.  They never discuss its standing as a pet.  If I could choose any mineral as a pet, I’d choose salt.  A pet really isn’t a pet unless you can eat it when you’re done with it.  

    This movie starts with James Franco walking around places he shouldn’t (areas where there’s barely one Redbox).  He meets some girls (desert hookers?) then leaves them and falls down an earth crack.  For some reason, he pulls a rock down with him and it traps his arm.  If it were me falling, I would have pulled a parachute.  They’re more useful.  Unless, you’re in a car or at a Denny’s.  Then people just get annoyed.  But, you can’t always live your life on par with society’s expectations.  That’s why I take the bus.

    Long story short, James Franco makes it out alive once he realizes that he doesn’t need two arms.  That’s why Glod (lamb God) gave us two!  I kept telling everyone in the theater that he was gonna hack his own arm off.  They didn’t believe me.  They kept saying things like “Be quiet!”, “Hush up down there!”, and “Who the hell took my shoes?”  It was me.  I took the shoes.  It’s pretty much every man for himself when it comes to shoes in the movie theater.  That’s something someone told me once.  I forget who.  It might have actually been something I posted in a personal ad just for fun.  At the time, I thought women were attracted to whoever had the most shoes.  Boy, was I only partially wrong.

    I really liked this movie.  It’s probably the best movie based on Aron Ralston’s hiking accident where he has to chop his own arm off that I’ve ever seen.

    I’m not much of a hiker, or mountain climber myself.  I’m more of a mountain watcher.  I watch mountains (on TV or on the web) from a safe distance and criticize people different than me.  Though, this movie did teach me that hiking is not all about fear.  It’s also about loneliness.  Though, it did really help dismiss some of those other nasty hiking rumors that consume me on limited occasions.  Here they are:

    1) You don’t have to chop your own arm off to go hiking.  That’s optional.

    2) Coyotes don’t exist.

    3) Rain, while mostly wet, is often non-exsisent to people who have their arm lodged underneath a boulder.

    4) Once you go beneath the earth’s surface, you can drink your own piss.  Just try not to be a pussy about it.

    5) Video cameras are not only for documenting proper genital shaving techniques, they are also used to document utter despair (also sleep studies).

    6) Movies about hiking < Movies about tornadoes

    6a) Movies with Helen Hunt < Movies without Helen Hunt

    6b) Helen Hunt ≤ Hiking

    7) Humans are immortal and the rules of death no longer apply.

    That’s it.  Overall, I give 127 Hours three out of four limbs.  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the guy making shadow puppets in the bathroom.  

    The Town Trailer: A Review

    This review of “The Town” is a preemptive strike; I haven’t seen the movie yet.  It’s like a fart before a poop.  That’s not to say that this movie will be shit, it’s just the best comparison I can think of right now.  I had a few plums for breakfast.  I like plums, but they usually end up giving my stomach the ole wishy-washy.  Do plums grow on trees or bushes?  Sometimes there’s a fine line between a tree and a bush.  Like those pointy bushes that look like pointy little trees.  What the hell are those things?  My dad bought some of those bushes once and I was like “Dad, I can’t tell if that’s a bush or a tree.  Let’s call it a trush.”   I don’t think my dad heard me.  Come to think of it, I didn’t even say that part out loud.  And that might have been a gardener putting in those trees, not my dad.  Doesn’t matter.

    When I first saw this trailer, I thought that “The Town” was about nuns who rob banks, and I really liked that idea.  No one ever suspects nuns of committing crimes, and even if they did who’s gonna stop them?  I’m pretty sure God’s the only one who can do that.  And I bet he’d let them get away with crimes because they’re so good to him.  You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours kinda thing.  I bet bears like that kind of relationship because bears love anything that helps scratch their backs.  Probably because their arms are so darn short and stupid.  Bears probably have a hard time putting on a backpack.  Good thing they don’t need backpacks in the forests.  Or maybe they do and that’s why they attack hikers and their backpacks!   I’m not much of a hiker myself.

     “The Town” appears to be about some tough guys who argue with each other about their criminal behavior.  Then some girl gets stuck in the middle of their argument, and I think it’s because of love.  Love can do some pretty crazy things.  You know, they always tell you to practice safe sex, and never say anything about safe love.  Is there such a thing?  I read in the newspaper once that some guy killed his wife and his kids and himself because he loved them.  Hey, I love strawberry ice cream and all, but you don’t see me coming home and murdering strawberry ice cream.  Does eating ice cream count as murdering it?  If so, there are kids out there who are serial killers and they should be brought to justice. 

    “The Town” takes place in Boston.  For those of you who don’t know, Boston is a city in the Northeast.  I have a friend named Mike who lives there.  Do you know him?  Of course you don’t, he died.  It’s not real sad though, he lived a full life.  He caught like three foul balls at baseball games.  I’ve never caught a foul ball at a baseball game.

    Here are a few things I liked about “The Town” trailer: 

    1) The really quick cuts.  Maybe I was just blinking fast.  Whatever, I don’t give a shit if I was blinking or if I wasn’t, I was happy at that moment.  

     2) The yelling.  Most people don’t like yelling, but I don’t mind it.  Usually when someone yells around me, I’ll just yell louder.  That’s called peacocking.  This is most effective when done in secret and at night and into your neighbor’s open window.

    3) Chicks.  This movie promises a tit or two.  I prefer when tits come in twos.  Only getting one tit is like only getting one side of an Oreo.  Never actually cared for Oreos.  Seems like a lazy cookie.   Where the hell are the chocolate chips?  No thanks, Oreos. 

    Here are a few things I didn’t like about the trailer for “The Town”:

    1. 1) The yelling.  I know I just said I like the yelling, but I changed my mind.  When it comes to loud noises, I hate whistles the most.  If I wanted to hear what birds sound like I’d go to the dumb bird sanctuary.
    2. 2) Jon Hamm.  I thought that guy was supposed to be mad.  He only seemed mildly irritated in this trailer.  Seems like there’s a lot on the line, Hamm, why don’t you try getting a little mad?!
    3. 3) Hip hop.  I forget if there was any in this trailer.  I like rap sometimes, especially when they talk about fancy things like the club.  I never get to go to clubs, but they sound great.  Things are always popping in clubs.  I think I’d like that.  My favorite part of birthday parties was always popping the balloons.  Seems like that would go over well in the club.

    Alright, see you later.  I’m gonna go watch TV through a periscope.

    Machete: A Review

    Well, “Machete” certainly lived up to its title.  It was chock-full of machete(s)! I totally get why they named it that.  Unlike that dumb movie “Salt”.  “Salt” didn’t have any salt in it.  In fact, it featured almost no food seasoning at all.  Not even pepper!  Pepper is like salt’s best friend, and they didn’t touch on that relationship once.  It should have been called “No Salt.”

    You know what movie lived up to its title?   “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.”  Austin Powers is in like every scene of that movie.  Also, he was British (international) and a loose canon (man of mystery).  Everything’s right there in the title and that makes me happy.  Honest film making! 

    “Machete” is about a big Mexican guy named Machete (played by Danny Trejo from “Machete”) who’s wife gets her head chopped off by Steven Seagal (“The Onion Movie”).  Seagal uses a sword to cut her head off.  I didn’t even know swords were still around, but apparently Mexico hasn’t gotten guns yet.  Actually, come to think of it, they had guns in this movie.  Maybe Seagal wanted to kill Machete’s wife with a sword to make a point.  No, that’s stupid.  He probably doesn’t know how to use a gun and is self-conscious about it, especially in front of his tough-guy friends.  A lot of times tough guys are really self-conscious, and they have to make up for it by cutting heads off.  I’m glad the tough bullies at my school never had access to swords.  Do you think some of them actually did?  I bet the ones with step-dads did.  Step-dads always have cool stuff that we’re not allowed to touch.

    So, Machete’s wife gets her head chopped off, then Machete ends up in the United States some how, probably illegally.  Personally, I don’t care how he got here.  I’m not here to judge how people get places.  If I were immigrating to the United States I’d use a helicopter.  Nobody ever thinks a bunch of immigrants can get a helicopter. And even if they tried to stop me I’d just say “Fuck you!  I’ll chop your faces off with my helicopter blades you bunch of bozos!”  Those idiots on the ground would probably just end up waving at us anyway.  People love waving at helicopters.

    Anyway, Machete ends up in the U.S., gets framed for trying to assassinate some governor or something (played by Robert De Niro from “Ronin”), then ends up running from, or after the people responsible.  I’m still unclear on how that went.  All I know is that he made sure people knew that he really likes machetes.

    I really enjoyed “Machete” a lot.  I thought it was probably the best movie based on a fake trailer about an ex-Mexican Federale renegade that I have ever seen.  Danny Trejo’s name should be Danny Nutso!  He was crazy!  What a portrayal of a terrifying Mexican man!  Oscar alert!  Oscar alert! I still don’t know how he did it. 

    Jessica Alba (“Idle Hands”) is in this movie and she got me thinking about what it would be like to kiss her.  If she gave me an option between kissing her on the lips or the cheek, I’d pick her cheek.  But then I’d kiss her on the part of her cheek that connects to her lips.  This way I technically kissed her on both the cheek and lips, and I’d say “Ha, that counts as two kisses, Alba!”  Though, I’d probably just tell my brother that she kissed my lips.  He’d get a kick out of that. 

    Two other woman are in this movie:  Michelle Rodriguez (“A Cat’s Tale”) and Lindsay Lohan (Bathtub scene from “The Shining”).   I liked Michelle Rodriquez, but I don’t think her native tongue is English.  It actually might be.  Whatever, she probably got the job because she’s related to the director Robert Rodriguez.  Lindsay Lohan does a good job of strategically covering her boobs with her hair in this movie.  Way to not hide your boobs, Lindsay!  I practically saw the whole thing anyway.  Plus, I’ve seen much worse on the Internet.  I once saw a girl make it with a horse.  It was disgusting.  I was only able to watch it for like forty minutes.  Normally, I can watch girls make it with guys, or other girls for much longer than forty minutes.  I bet Lohan wasn’t thinking about that horse woman while she was covering her boobs with her hair.  I was though.  I couldn’t help it.  Her hair looked just like a horsetail, and all I kept thinking about was that girl making it with that horse.  The horse wasn’t wearing a condom by the way.  That’s just risky behavior.    

    Here are a few things I didn’t like about this movie: 

    1)   Zero margaritas.  Not one.  Hello?!  Not believable for a movie with Mexicans in it!  Wake up, movie studios!!

    2)   Don Johnson?  That’s not a real name, so why are you gonna use it in the credits?!  You think people don’t read the credits?  Well, I read the credits and I can tell when your cast is a bunch of fake idiots.  Get real actors in your movies!

    3)   The guy sitting next to me farted.  He timed it so it looked like Jessica Alba did it in the movie.  That kinda ruined the scene for me.  Plus it was super close to my popcorn and I got worried that his fart went in my popcorn.  I wish Robert Rodriguez didn’t allow that to happen to me.

    Overall, I give “Machete” four out of five sombreros.

    Okay, bye!  See you at the movies.  I’ll be the guy in the back stuffing napkins into the cup holders.