X-Men: First Class: A Review

Hey.  I just saw “X-Men: First Class.”  I’m glad I did.  I really needed to get out of the house.  I’ve kinda been sleeping a lot (all day every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday).  It’s weird that when you sleep too much, or when don’t sleep at all, you still get the same hallucination (a doctor telling you that you need to adjust your sleeping habits).  That’s gotta mean something.    

“X-Men: First Class” is a prequel to the other X-Men movies.  For those of you who don’t know, X-Men are mutant humans.  But not mutant in the traditional sense of the word (Daryl Hannah), X-Men are the cool mutants.  For example, in this movie there’s one mutant who has the ability to stand next to Oliver Platt without having to have sex with him.  That’s something us normal humans just can’t do.  So cool!

“X-Men: First Class” follows Professor X (James McAvoy from Scotland) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender from Germany) at the beginning of their friendship.  I like seeing where friendships start because it never seems to be where I think they would (side-by-side urinals, red-lights, at Sam Goody).  In “X-Men: First Class” we follow McAvoy and Fassbender as they put together the first X-Men team.  It starts out great, but eventually their friendship crumbles.  You might think it was a woman who got between them.  But you’d be wrong.  It was Kevin Bacon.  Bacon comes in and tells all the mutants that regular humans are bad and should be blown up.  Fassbender agrees with Bacon, McAvoy doesn’t, then McAvoy gets paralyzed.  That’s pretty much the whole movie.  

You know I thought I was a mutant once?  Yeah, it was crazy.  I woke up one morning and I had had this wart on my finger.  It might have actually been there for a while.  I’m not really as aware of my own body as I should be.  It’s hard to be aware of your own body though because you can pretty much only see half of it (the front half by your eyes).  I’m not even sure I have a butt.  I’ve never seen it with my own eyes, so how would I know?  I’ve always had to take other people’s word for it.  Maybe they’re just telling me that I have a butt to make me feel like a dirty person.  Sometimes making people feel dirty is a good way to boost your own self-esteem.  I guess I can’t blame them for that.

John F. Kennedy is in this movie.  I thought that part was kinda mean.  I don’t think you should be able to put dead people in movies unless you can travel back in time to warn them that they’re gonna get shot.  I guess these Hollywood studios will exploit anyone for a dollar.  

Hey, at what age do you no longer have the potential to become a mutant?  Do you only find out you’re gonna be one as a kid, or do the powers sometimes come on when you’re an adult?  Like, you know how there’s no real age limit for Alzheimer’s, is there an age limit for the onset of cool mutations?  I hope not, because I’d really like to have a special power one day.  I think a fun mutation would be the ability to make origami cranes really quickly.  That would be cool.  No one would be scared of you, but life isn’t always about fear.  There’s a big chunk of life that’s pretty much all about arts and crafts.

I really liked “X-Men: First Class”.  I thought it was the best movie about the first class of X-Men that I’ve ever seen.   Here are three things I liked about this movie:

1. Cuba.  I think it’s nice that Castro let the X-Men use Cuba for this movie.  Maybe he’s not such a grouch after all, huh?

2. Reading Minds.  McAvoy does a shitload of it in this movie.  If I ran into him in real life, I’d ask him to read my mind.  Then he would and he’d see that I’m thinking about him reading my mind, except he’s not wearing any pants.  I bet that’d stop him in his tracks.   

3. Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt.  I love him.  When I’m by myself I like to call him “The Plattypus.”  Mostly because platypuses lay eggs, and Oliver Platt looks like a guy who’d lay an egg and people would be kinda pumped that he did.

Here are three things I didn’t like about this movie:

1. No nudity.  I feel like I complain about this a lot, but this movie is about mutant humans.  Are you telling me there aren’t any mutants out there that are worth seeing naked?  How about a mutant with a big ol’ hog who shoots lasers out of his pee-hole?  What about a lady mutant with a big ol’ vagina who shoots lasers out of her pee-hole?  There’s gotta be mutants like that out there.  Do the work and find them for me!

2. January Jones. *Please see above complaint

3. The Past.  This movie takes place in the past.  That’s cool and all, but I’m about living in the moment, and I can’t do that when movies like this harp on the past.  I get it, things have happened before.  Let it go.

That’s it.  Overall, I give this movie four out of four mutant farts.  See you at the movies, I’ll be the guy shaving in the bathroom (I got kicked out of my apartment).